Transport

Growing up, kicking and screaming.

As the year draws to a close it seems a natural action to look back and reflect on the year that has been, learnings and desires for actions next year.

This year is drawing to a close to me for many reasons, and they I don’t think they necessarily are affected by the calendar. Still, the opportunity presents itself, and here I am.

This post started off as an exploration of self-reflection. What does it mean to be self-reflexive? Of course, that meant I started to self reflect, in a critical way, just as I have been doing all year and more recently in an accelerated, more intensive way.

This time last year I was madly in love, working away in a comfort-zone job, had a mortgage and a lot of aspirations about creative outlets. All of this changed in February, when the guy in question left to pursue his dreams and desires, and sent mine into a tornado of questions and doubts. The guy left, sure, but what it took my a long time to realise, months basically, is that I was free. My relation to the world had changed and the opportunity to rediscover my strengths, my passions and who I was had been presented to me as a matter of circumstance.

It wasn’t all fresh horizons of a new day like some kind of hackneyed self-help mantra. For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. Dark days followed, so much that it even now, 10 months later, the internal breakages that happened then are only now really being understood by me. Clichés come into play, and I learn that clichés are clichés for a reason; it doesn’t discount their validity. One of them is that through breaking something can be rebuilt, stronger.

And so it began, this process I’ve been going through and am still going through.

I have realised sometimes it is necessary to be selfish, in being true to ones feelings one can in turn provide the best of themselves to others. Even saying this now though I am fighting it, it seems morally wrong.

I have felt that during this time I have not been the type of person I would like to be to my loved ones. It is to their credit, and strength, that they still love me. Through their gift to me I feel in a better position to reciprocate; through their love and support they continue to teach me how to be better equipped in both.

M. and N. are wonderful. S. and E. are fantastic. They helped me do this. H.T.C. helped me do this. J. helped me do this. G. is constantly amazing.

Anyone that has known me over this time, and still wants to know me, deserves a medal. It has been the most selfish, soul searching, navel gazing time I have had. These terms have negative connotations but I don’t necessarily intend them to in this context.

But this note is not about my relation to other people. Rather, it is about my relation to myself and myself to the world.

I have been lucky. I have been surrounded by people who have allowed me to and supported the need to explore. I am now working as a freelancer. Gigs include stage managing, organising events and exhibitions, general coordinating. I won’t be a millionaire anytime soon, but it makes me smile. I have also learnt to love my day job again, regain faith in what I studied. My main work is for a not for profit organisation where I am surrounded by passionate, educated people and am inspired by their vision.

I am no where near where I would like to be yet. But I know a lot more about the gaps I have, and knowing this is much more than I knew this time last year. Knowing how much I don’t know, is a big step. Taking measures to address, is another. A friend has spoken of devising strategies for dealing with issues in a creative and affirming way. I am slowly figuring out how to do this in my own way.

So a little soppy. A little raw and terrifying to expose. But much to be grateful for and many people to thank, and this is a record for me and a record for them.

I aim to make everyone who has cared enough to see me through this proud. I aim to make me proud too.